9:17 p.m. - 2004-01-25
i slept til 1:30 today. i woke up and finished some homework and lianne came over. we went to the movies at to see win a date with tad hamilton. its another one of those love stories that i seem to enjoy more than i probably should. lately i have been thinking about all the things i dislike about myself and i made a list. actually i didnt. but im going to right now.
.how i can be mean to people and know im not perfect.
.how i would hate if those same people were mean to me.
.how badly i want to be in love yet it seems i do nothing about it.
.how i keep telling myself it will come day.
.how i know it probably wont.
.how my writing no longer makes me happy.
.how i have found myself ugly for 8 years.
.how horrible that is that i found myself to be ugly when i was seven.
.how this edge is doing nothing at all for me.
.how little things annoy me.
.how i couldnt even tell you if im hiding this depression or if it might be fading away.
.how you just called and i dont want to talk to you.
.how i can be so fake.
.how i can lie to you so well.
and then i lean back in this chair and feel my eyes stare at this computer screen filled with hatred. and i want to throw it. i want to ask it how it can hold such horrible thoughts that are so true. and then i want to yell at myself. i want to ask myself how i can do this. how i can show you all over this screen what i am feeling yet am too blank to show it to your face. i wish you all could see through this. look into these placid eyes and tell me if you think im worth your time. or maybe you could save yourself the time and listen to me tell you that im not. not at all. so run away from me now. because thats the best way out. xMALLORYx
"broken down in bars and bathrooms all i did was what i had to dont believe me when i tell you its just what anyone would do"
